Before I went to kingergarten, I was the most popular kid in my school! I had so many friends and to this day I remember all of them wanted to fight over who was going to be my best friend. Those were the days when things like image and constant paranoia weren't even apart of my world. Not until right before I went to kindergarten with obnoxiously huge hideous glasses and braids (plats) that weren't so much in style. Let's not forget that I was the awkward odd black girl who spoke without using Ebonics and had fun learning in all my classes. It didn't help I later became apart of the Talented and Gifted program either and I was the only black student in it out of my entire school at the time. That only made me more of a target for humiliation and ridicule. This along with other circumstances was the beginning of the destruction of my confidence. I'm sure everyone has a story of their own from their childhood not to different from my own. Everyone has memories that will probably haunt them forever. Things that probably took place several years ago you wish hadn't and can only leave you wondering, what would life be like if it didn't?
The point of this post is I think it's crucial for me to start having confidence again if I want to become better at the gyaru style...or if I want to become a happier person in general. But I guess since my blog is geared towards gal, I'll kind of relate this to that as well. It's pretty similar to
the post I made earlier but I'm going more in depth here because I've just done a lot of thinking after reading some things in various gyaru communities.
Seriously, if you meet me irl, I'm not necessarily the absolute shyest individual you'll ever meet but I'm definitely not one to be the center of attention. Thing is, I know it's in me deep down especially since I'm pushing my limit by being in visual arts. But unfortunately, after years of being teased growing up in elementary school (more than any other part of my life) and several other situations that has traumatized me enough to believe I am never going to be the best me that I can be, it's incredulously difficult to pull that back out.
Sometimes there are days when I feel like I'm looking decent and on a scale between 1 to 10, I put myself at a 6 or 7 at best. RARELY will I ever go as high as an 8! But I want to stop being so paranoid and self conscious about myself and what others, friends and family included, think of what's on the exterior of who I am. I know it's human nature to judge, so there's no way I can change that. I know it has to be within myself and that's what I feel needs to happen for me to actually call myself gal without hesitating or giving it so much thought. And to be perfectly honest, right now...I'm not gal as I type this post. And on a daily basis, I wear semi-fashionable outfits in comparison to the coords I see on western gal blogs like Sara Mari, Emi Marie, or Vivi (Cupcake Couture) to name a few. Why? Because they probably have far more confidence than me.
& it's not like I have no sense of fashion or I can't perfect myself to be as good as them. I have the skills and ability to do so if I continue to try harder! But it all comes down to my will power and tolerance for the public and how hard they will come down on me. I know this style for the most part but actually getting out there and DOING it is more than difficult. I've even tried taking baby steps but then I always revert to my old boring ways of being "safe" and not taking those bold steps a true gal would. Sometimes I blame my area. Maybe people here are the reason why I feel this way? Or maybe I just need to have more green to look more gal, then I could finally start dressing as such. Excuses upon excuses run through my insecure little head causing me to ultimately NEVER get to show my passion for this style in the real world.
I would like to add that it's not like I'm writing all this to fish for compliments by anyone of my followers either. You all are such sweet people and as such, I'm sure you would want to tell me or any of your friends if they were saying any of this that they are more than what they think they are but that sometimes isn't enough especially in my case, though I appreciate your kind intentions. I'm a little worried because idk what it's going to take to get my self-esteem where I want it to be :( Posting pictures and videos isn't a huge problem for me surprisingly though. People's opinions on the web don't mean as much to me if they're negative because, let's face it, they would probably never say things like that directly to your face and if they do they would be in for a rude awakening. Which is why in person, it's on a whole different level! I don't want to feel like that anymore! I can't help but consider myself to be just an internet gal, because that's what I am! As I say this, so much guilt and shame flood my emotions thinking of all the people that look up to me in the gyaru community. I don't think there's a lot, but even if it's just one person, I feel like I've not only cheated them, but I've cheated myself in the long run.
Who am I to pretend to be someone I'm not?? I'm not going to say that this is the end of my journey to become gyaru because I AM NOT A QUITTER! However, this by far the greatest obstacle I think any gal can face, not having confidence. If you even have a little that's better than not having any at all but it won't get you recognized if that's what you're aiming for. It needs to be, from what I've noticed, exploding out of you! In both your internet persona AND real life. I respect those that walk out their house with their heads held high wearing sexy or cute gyaru outfits AND have bomb big curly gal hair AND have fantastic make up AND deco nails. My would that be awesome to do one day. So all in all, I guess I just wanted to vent out this through a post because:
One. I didn't want to lie to myself anymore or anyone else about this. It just isn't fair.
Two. I want to look back on this and remember my struggle so I can continue fighting my insecurities.
Three. I could use some serious advice on what I should do. I haven't gone into deep discussion with this to anyone in a long time and I figured if I hear advice from anyone it would do me some good.
I'm risking a lot saying all of this because clearly my blog is where lurkers are now stealing things from but even so, I think it's worth putting out there. If anyone wants to childishly use this against me, be my guest. To use something like this as a way to hurt someone is such a punk move. Just remember that God is always watching.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this ridiculously long post. I'll be back to talk about something less depressing later in the week. Bye!
